White Asparagus Price to Rise

White Asparagus

A report came across my desk this morning that concerned me.  Mostly because of the spelling errors and lack of coherent thought, but also partly because it seems to be indicating that we will soon run out of white asparagus unless we drastically change our procurement techniques.

Now, you must be wondering it’s possible that we can actually run out.  And I can see why you would be.  All this time, you’ve been told that white asparagus is pretty much grown the same way as the other kind with the exception that the white kind is deprived of light for the express purpose of preventing the green hue.  I’m kind of hoping you’ve figured out that you’ve been lied to.

Given the circumstances, I think it’s time you know what some people have figured out on their own: asparagus is made from alien winkies.  Or, more accurately, it is alien winky.  I’ll give you a moment to think about how much of it you’ve ingested.

Moment’s up.  How could you not at least suspect as much?  Did you think nothing of the strong flavor, phallic shape, and the fact that it makes your pee stink?  Perhaps you did and dismissed it, but it is more likely that you didn’t.  Or maybe you were fooled by the fact that you can grow mock asparagus in your garden.  I’m not being cruel, I’ve just being honest given the amount of stupid shit I’ve seen you do on a daily basis.

So anyway, both the white and green asparagus come from the same species of alien.  These aliens are born with seven to nine easily excitable appendages, of which they use only two or three.  The rest just kind of get in the way by causing increased aggression and tripping them when they walk.  We have an arrangement with them to alleviate them of their burdens and sell those burdens to you for consumption.

The problem lies in the supply of albino aliens.  Much like here on Earth, albinos are a rare occurrence and at the rate they’re being born we are unable to keep up with the demand.  It’s not my fault they are more tender and have a milder flavor.  It’s the alien’s fault.  Blame them for the rising price.

At this stage, we have several options to explore to stop this from happening, but there’s a twist.  I already know which one we’re going with, but I thought I’d give you the illusion of input by giving you a list of ideas that were presented to me in the report and let you choose:

8 thoughts on “White Asparagus Price to Rise

    1. Funny you should mention PETA. They’re threatening that, unless we stop procuring asparagus immediately, they will host a protest in which all their male members castrate themselves.

      I’m responding by sending a box of rusty, dull meat cleavers to each of their locations.

      1. Update: Received PETA’s response via the postal service this morning and I must admit that receiving a thousand haphazardly severed members packed in environmentally friendly packing peanuts is really something that makes my day. I had an intern spend the day matching DNA samples and it turns out that they were never attached to any of PETA’s people.

        PETA needs to learn that when they threaten my organization, they will have to follow through on that threat. Put on your big boy pants, man up, and chop it off, PETA.

  1. Oh, my. Here’s part of the actual crapfest from her site.



    While I agree that Taylor Swift is inherently evil – and though I have seen young Taylor referred to as “ferret face” – I find it very hard to believe that she is part of the Illuminati.

    My favorite part, though, is when Tila claims that Harvey Levin told everyone at TMZ that changes are afoot, because they have “joined forces with the NEW WORLD ORDER!” *chuckle*

    Methinks Tila’s been snorting WAY too much Ambien.

    1. Drug induced paranoia isn’t something we worry about, unless of course we cause it. And then it’s not so much “worry” as it is “laugh at.”

      And ENM, you should know that Taylor is, in fact, one of us. Kanye humiliated Taylor on-stage to get back at Colbert for overtaking him on iTunes.

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