Chief Justice Drives Home Win for Care Bears!

The Illuminati are well aware of the controversy surrounding Obama’s Oath of office and we thought we’d take a moment to give you an idea of what went wrong, and how we fixed it.

Still bitter about McCain’s loss this past November, and not satisfied with having Vince Offer kick Obama’s ass in pageviews on this blog, the Care Bear Rebel Faction did the only thing they could do to stop Obama from taking office: call Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. Official Photo
Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., the Giggler

You heard me.  John G. Roberts, Jr., aka “The Giggler,” works for the Care Bears.  Don’t believe me?  Check out his official photo on the right.  He’s fighting a serious case of the giggles and not from a “you smelt it, you dealt it” situation, either…nooo…these giggles are the unsuppressible kind that you get when you’ve put on over on everyone.  Don’t bother asking him about it, either.  He’ll deny everything.

Now, Roberts’ dastardly plan was to mix up only one word in the oath so that it would seem so trivial that a do-over would seem superfluous.  Unfortunately, some constitutional nerds cried “Don’t live life on the edge!  Be on the safe side!” and a do-over was scheduled for the next day.  Roberts had to act fast if he was to make this invalid oath stick.  Knowing that a do-over oath is only valid if the incoming President placed his left hand on the exact same book as the first oath, he snuck into the master bedroom of the White House and swiped Obama’s bible from the nightstand while the couple slept.  Secret Service personnel on duty at the time claim to have heard an evil giggle coming from the bedroom that night, but wrote it off as Obama shifting back into a lizard before turning in.  They’re really not very good at their job.

And so, the next day, Obama was unable to produce his bible for the do-over oath and the Giggler walks away with a big fat “Mission Accomplished.”  Once the Illuminati witnessed the lack of bible at the do-over, we knew what the Care Bears had done.

The truth of the matter is that when the oath and/or do-overs are rendered worthless, the Illuminati will usually appoint some unknown or has-been to rule in secret while the President pretends to run the country and serves as a scapegoat.  But this was a new one on us.  Never before has one of our affiliates conspired to interfere with the oath and done it so well.

So, it is with great joy in our hearts to announce that Obama has to forfeit the Presidency.  To John McCain.  You can’t complain either since he came in second in the Presidential election.  From here on in, you’ll be seeing Obama make speeches and his little public appearances like you expect, but in the off hours, he’ll be tucked away in the cellar scribbling notes on bar napkins and mumbling about the vicious bastards we know as Care Bears.

Congratulations on your covert win, guys!

You Demented Freaks

I love you.  I really do.  I’m not screwing with you, either.

After WordPress upgraded to 2.7, something which I never cared to notice became hilariously apparent.  When it comes to the two most popular posts on this blog, between our Obama announcement and our expose on Vince Offer – Obama nabbed 61% of the pageviews while Vince is at 39% and climbing quickly.

It brings tears of happiness that renegade leprechaun and infomercial pitchman, Vince,  has a shot in hell of beating out the most famous shape-shifting lizard in the United States, Obama.  And you… YES, YOU made this all happen.  The Care Bear rebel faction has specifically asked that you put in extra effort to make sure that Vince beats Obama’s ass in pageviews.  Pointless Vengeance will be theirs!

So be sure to let all your insignificant little friends know that Vince is the bomb and point them to the blog entry so we can appease the rebel faction.  If we don’t they will not enter another candidate into the race and we’ll miss out on a  more entertaining car crash in 2012.

President Elect Barack Obama
President-Elect Barack Obama
ShamWow's Vince Offer
ShamWow’s Vince Offer

Wait…you didn’t think McCain was safe, did you?

For those of you who thought that McCain would be safe once we admitted to having Obama in our clutches, you were wrong.  As usual.  We left plenty of signs such as voting with Bush (who we already “control”) over 90% of the time, and that whole “Old McCain”, “New McCain” business.  When will you learn?

McCain is Technologically Deficient

Being a member of my organization requires an expansive working knowledge of technology.  Now, if you think that McCain cannot possibly be an Illuminati if he can’t use a computer, you are absolutely right.  For once. McCain is not a member.  He belongs to a militant division of the Care Bear rebel faction, and as you may already know, Care Bears emit EMF radiation which renders surrounding equipment inoperable.  Thankfully, we were able to graft shielding technology into his holographic human suit so that he doesn’t knock out microphones, cameras, cell phones, etc.  This still means that he can’t use a computer, even in his human suit, because his “fingers” are still paws and as such, cannot type.  As to the rumors about being unable to drive a car…well, Care Bears love to drive cars.  Fast.  So fast in fact, that there is a sonic boom.  This would prove to be suspicious, so his contract with us dictates that he is not allowed to drive for as long as he is in the public spotlight.  Maybe we’ll let him run over some American Idol contestants after all is said and done.

Kick Butt, Monkey Nut

Anyone familiar with Care Bears knows that they are all castrated at birth and the subsequent scarring is covered up by the decorative pictures on their tummies.  There is much resentment over these belly badges and the humiliation they represent.  The rebels have since figured out a way to reconstruct their fun bits using spare primate parts.  McCain was one of the first to receive the surgery then proceeded to spend years making rude gestures to and otherwise harassing Strawberry Shortcake.  She obtained a restraining order in 1990 and is currently shacked up with an unnamed Popple somewhere in New Jersey.  McCain took a lesson from that debacle by bottling up his urges.  But as he’s now realizing, there are some unfortunate side-effects to his solution.  Namely, the “Monkey Nut Rage,” which has been covered by traditional news outlets as “anger issues”.

So Old, Dirt Calls Him Grandpa?

One could easily argue that John McCain is old.  Yeah, I think we all get that.  But there have been rumors that say that was born in the 19th or 20th century.  That is absolutely false.  No Care Bears were born in the 19th or 20th century.  In fact, no Care Bears have been born for at least six thousand years, due to the above-mentioned castrations and any new Care Bears you see have been the result of cloning.  Which also explains the Crayola colors.  So, McCain was not born on August 29, 1936, he was merely brought to consciousness on that date.  Which does at least make him old enough for some dirt to call him Grandpa.