Do you want to make money? Do you want to be popular? Do you want to go down in history?
Well, the Illuminati can help! Just send your left nut to the address shown on the back of your secret imploder ring, and you’ll receive a packet on accomplishing the above tasks by showing you how to do the following:
- Come up with your own religion, complete with:
- Spiteful God
- Sacred Texts
- Immutable rules not included in sacred texts, but supposedly told to you by spiteful god because you are the chosen one.
- Paranoid convictions regarding age, sex, work ethic, eating habits, necessary bodily functions, and the ever-popular “thought process”
- Recruit members with specific methods of converting the following susceptible personality types:
- Lonely college students
- Desperate unwed mothers
- Loveless geeks
- Evil grandmas
- Religious Zealots (they make great minions)
- Nutbags (unpredictable, but generally loyal)
- Plan and build your compound using the following techniques and materials:
- Pre-conceived schematics for bunkers, greenhouses, guard towers, electrified fences, weapon storage units, and residential units.
- Complete material lists as well as cooperative, Illuminati-approved vendors.
- Methods to get your followers to comply with the strict building schedule, which naturally includes long days, dangerous work conditions, and frequent casualties.
- How to purchase the land (on which to build your slice of heaven) through shadow corporations funded by the net worth of your new recruits.
- Additional financing… wait, we’re not financing your lazy ass. That’s what your followers are for. By the love of the spiteful god, make your idiot followers grow or make something and sell it at ridiculously high prices to the general public. Hint: “organic” is the buzzword of the day.
- Build charisma using the patented “ego stroke” method.
- Keep your followers “in line”, which includes directions on effective random acts of torture.
And if you act today, we’ll throw in the best selling book “7 Habits of Highly Effective Cult Leaders,” and “Super Fun Paranoid Conspiracies.” Both of which will reinforce your god-like status to your minions and will cement your control over your followers.