Holiday Home Security

The economy is shaping up quite nicely.  Pretty much everyone in the middle-to-bottom range is still suffering and we’ve got economists telling you it’s getting better.  It’s not, duh.  We lie.  A lot. It’s one of our things.  Sure, not everyone believes us 100% of the time, but we convince enough people to make it worth it.  Which leads me to my point.

Someone out there thinks you’re doing better than them.  Granted, this is true most of the time but this year is different.  You have loads of gullible and desperate people who believe that things really are getting better for someone, and that someone is anyone but them.  While they sit at the milk carton that substitutes for their dining room table and try to read their foreclosure notice by the fading light of a cell phone with no service, their mind drifts to that big flat screen TV that took four guys to bring into your house.

If you haven’t gotten my point by now: Someone out there wants everything you own.  What are you going to do about it?  Install one of those electronic monitoring systems that lets some minimum wage employee determine whether or not the guy in your house with your X-Box under his arm is worth calling the cops over?  Yeah, let me know how that works out.  What you need is an Illuminati Security System.  Don’t worry, it’s very affordable.

First up, dig a moat. It has to be twenty to a hundred feet wide, fifty feet deep and encompass the perimeter of your property.  If you live in a suburban or rural area, it’s best if you extend beyond your property for this.  If people notice, that’s their tough luck for not doing it first.  Don’t be an idiot and dig the moat yourself  – hire illegal immigrants.  They’re great workers and they work for free – but the trick is to hire a group big enough to get all the work done in one day and then time immigration’s arrival for when they’re finished.  They’ll scatter like cockroaches before they can even ask for their money. The worst you’ll have to do is pick up all the tools they dropped during their departure.  But you can pay a neighborhood kid like five bucks to do that for you.

At this point, you’ll have a sad, empty moat.  That’s when you call our 976 number.  Tell Fred that you like to be spanked by day-old biscuits.  You’ll need to tell him how many biscuits and how many days old.  The quantity of biscuits is directly relational to the width of your moat and the days are relational to the circumference, so if you’ve got a twenty foot wide moat that’s three-hundred fifty feet all the way around, tell him you’d like 20, 350 day old biscuits.  It’s a code, numbnuts.  Gotta keep it all on the down-low or else you’ll just be the schmuck who started the moat trend in the neighborhood.  Don’t be that guy.

Your moat filling should arrive by the end of the week and will come in two packages.  Open the package labeled “Step 1” and say “Hi” to your first line of defense.  They may greet you in return.  Hamsters are friendly that way.  After you do that, empty the package into the moat.  Be sure to spread out the hamsters in an even layer inside the moat.  They will not even themselves out.  Once you are finished, the hamsters will automatically build a barrier within your moat, line the inner section, and eventually settle in the outer section.

Now fill up the empty section of the moat with water.  Your garden hose will do nicely, but I recommend that you just steal a fire truck and empty the neighborhood pools before they get home from work.  It’ll go faster.  Once that’s done, you should open the package labeled “Step 2.”  You will notice that the contents look an awful lot like pills.  Capsules to be exact.  These are not to be taken internally, but should you choose to do so I’d like to request that you upload the video to YouTube.  Sprinkle the entire contents of the bag into the watery section of your moat.  At this point, you can either set up a lawnchair and watch the capsules slowly expand over the next twenty-four hours or you can move on with your life since the hard part of setting up your moat is done.  I don’t recommend you leave the property though, since your newfound security system will make sure you don’t return.

Anyway, by the same time the next day, your Magic Grow Dragon Capsules will be fully expanded into actual Dragons.  You’ll want to introduce yourself to them.  They will naturally attune themselves to your voice, your appearance, and your scent.  That’s why the introduction is important.

Now your Illuminati Security System is fully set-up.  From here on out, anyone who isn’t you that dares approach your property will be burnt to a crisp and then disposed of by your army of hamsters.  Also, since your hamster army is quite large they can be used to harass your neighbors, run errands, and procure stuff you desire from nearby homes.  Your neighbors will also envy your moat and will pay anything to find out how you got yours (especially after the recent rash of break-ins).  At best, they’ll only manage a cheap imitation. A pack of pitpulls are nothing in comparison to a hamster army and a mess of dragons.

Happy Holidays!

5 thoughts on “Holiday Home Security

  1. If I don’t have sufficient unwanted visitors, what do I feed the dragons? (Yes, I already know to invite the Mormons and the Jehova’s witnesses) Will the dragons feed on the excess hamsters? After all, we know what the hamsters will do if they don’t have enough invadors — sell Amway!

  2. You are correct in that dragons will eat the hamsters if desperate (and hamsters are good breeders). But, dragons only need to consume a full-sized adult once every thirty days and any excess is stored internally for the slimmer times. If you’re having trouble finding new victims, I can send you a supply of those Vince Offer clones. We’re still overstocked. If you don’t want tons of Vinces giving you the evil leprechaun eyebrow and slap-chopping your shammies, just throw a small child in the moat every couple of weeks. Those are free-range and found in abundance.

  3. If it’s “important to keep it all on the down-low”, dragons just don’t work that well. They will always be fully exposed – water puts out their flame, after all – thus inviting nosy neighbors to turn your block into a scene from an Anne McCaffrey novel. Moreover, if something ever startles more than a couple of them at once – well, does “Mount St. Helens” mean anything to you?

    No, you really ought to consider a kraken or two for your moat. They will stay hidden, under the water, until an intruder attempts entry – something not likely to occur in broad daylight. Afterwards, no messy piles of ash lying around to provoke unwanted attention. And you have the perfect inscription for your portcullis: “There hath he lain for ages”. No one will understand until it’s too late.

    • This is exactly what happens when you try an off-make or home brewed security system instead of the ISS. Illuminati-approved dragons have skin that reflects the light, rendering them invisible to the human eye. Also, stop using flame retardant water.

      I highly recommend against kraken. They’ll eat your car just for kicks. Plus, you have to keep their litterbox clean. The scoop is unmanageable.

      If you’re worried about the ash, it makes great compost.

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