The Disturbing Backstory Behind Rudolph

Too many people focus on the story about misfits having something important to give back to society.  Don’t.  It’s all a lie.  Being weird is not some kind of badge of honor.  Being special only makes you annoying.  And having a giant glowing tumor mounted on the end of your snout that whistles of its own accord is going to kill you or get you killed.  It’s only a matter of time.

Ahem.  Everyone misses the obvious in this Christmas classic.  See that little blonde next to our intrepid hero?  None of the other reindeer have a head of hair.  Not even the girls.  Sure, those bitches have obscenely full eyelashes, but still no hair.

So where did this guy get the hair?  That color doesn’t grow on anyone’s head.  Except for the elves.  Female elves to be exact (and Herbie but who cares about him?).  They look so much alike that they’re interchangeable.  An enterprising reindeer could easily kill, scalp and bury an elf then wear her hair as a hat and no one in this land of misery would think twice.  And I thought Gotham was a shit-hole.

Doubt me? Look under that little murderer’s eye. Those are tattooed teardrops, not freckles, and there are three more under his other eye.  The bastard named “Fireball” has killed people. Six people. Reindeer are assholes, and this one is a psychopath.  Delving deeper into what the hell is wrong with him….notice how he has no white fluff in his ears.  All the other reindeer in school have fluff, but none of the adults do.

‘Cept that bitch, Clarice, and her buddy Fireball.  Don’t let those obscene eyelashes fool you into thinking that she’s not guilty of something foul.  Only she and Fireball have human accessories and they’re the only two showing a visual sign of their lost innocence.  He scalped an elf for a head of hair and she stole the victim’s bow…as a souvenir.  It doesn’t matter that the female elves wear hats to work.  They have hair, they wear bows on the weekends.

Natural Born Reindeer, on an unstoppable killing spree.  Where will it end? Will Santa one day be trampled to death?  Don’t look at me like that.  Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of her song?

There’s always tomorrow
For dreams to come true
Believe in your dreams, come what may.
There’s always tomorrow
With so much to do
And so little time in a day.

We all pretend the rainbow has an end (Ooh…)
And you’ll be there, my friend, some day.
There’s always tomorrow
For dreams to come true
Tomorrow is not far away.

(We all pretend the rainbow has an end
And you’ll be there, my friend, some day)
There’s always tomorrow
For dreams to come true
Tomorrow is not far…a…way.

Sounds like a lovely death threat, if you dream of Rudolph’s bloated corpse washing up on the shores of the Island of Misfit Toys.

Also, the abominable monster has nipples.  You’ll never unsee it now.

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