Elf on the Shelf is controversial for sure, but not for the reasons you think. Sure, it’s got the rouged up cheeks and bright red lips of a daytime hooker on the prowl. Sure, it’s got the big blue-eyed sideways glance of a dog who has seen too much. And perhaps it has. Don’t get me wrong, we did market this little bastard to teach your kids that they have no expectation of privacy anywhere, to teach them that they are at all times under surveillance and will be rewarded or punished accordingly. It makes my job easier later in life.
We don’t actually care what your kids are doing. After all, we don’t mess with kids – you people do that more than enough for all of us. No, we care about what you are doing. For twenty-five days of the year we get an extra set of surveillance equipment in your home, which is kind of unimpressive. But for twenty-four nights, we gain an extra miniature, remote-controlled operative. One you purchased and placed for us. Each night you take our camera and put it into clever little positions or hiding places for your kids to find the next day.
Then you go to bed and our work begins. We use it to go through your drawers, your calender and fuck up your Candy Crush progress. Oh yeah, we know all your passwords and lock codes. That iPhone fingerprint thing has nothing on us.
We sext random people in your contact list, lock the dog outside with a slab of steak and the cat in the bathroom with a litter of mice. Did you really think that your animals would protect you? You brought us into the house and they’re dumb enough to think that makes us family. Family that gives them things you won’t.
Your bottled water gets laced with trace amounts of LSD, your yogurt with ex-lax, and your liquor…goes missing.
Right about now you’re probably feeling up your elf, trying to locate the electronics. Good luck with that. Maybe you should dismember it? It’s not like it can put itself back together and watch you sleep every night for the rest of eternity or anything. Right?