Gas Station Alibi

You never know when you’re going to be questioned for murder.  I get questioned all the time.  The FBI has talked to me so often that I have a reserved space at like three branch offices.  I have an interrogation punch card.  One more and I can have Arby’s order a hit on someone for free.  Gregg.  So, it’s important to always have an alibi. Part of that is making sure that everyone in the room knows not only that you’re there but for how long.  It’s important for multiple people to be able to identify you and be absolutely sure that they’re not remembering your drunk half-brother.

At parties, keg stands work.  They are particularly effective at dinner parties. Fundraisers tend to draw a lot of attention, so streaking in slow motion is usually a good idea.  Fundraisers at schools are not a good place to streak, but being the person to bring a box full of puppies will certainly make you memorable.  It’s easy to be missed in an office meeting, so being visible is more about bringing pastry and dancing on the conference table than it is about active participation.

But sometimes you need to be noticed when there’s no social gathering you can crash.  On these occasions, gas stations are your best friend.  Tons of them have security cameras.  All you have to do is be distinctive.  How distinctive, you ask? Why, I enjoy dressing up in a neon pink ski outfit and topping off my tank in the middle of summer.  And I really sell that shit too. With the nozzle in my car, I hop up and down and blow into my hands to “warm them up.” Then I drive back home.  Bikini in winter works pretty well, too.  Make sure they get a good look at your face but you should never look directly at the camera.  Oh, is that a bird’s nest in the overhang?  Look at that fantastic cloud!

You’re also going to want to make sure that those security cameras have wires that lead somewhere.  Too many times, I have heard of someone who went through all the motions only to discover that the cabling goes behind the building where it abruptly ends.

So why do I keep getting hauled into the FBI offices?  Well, I can’t tank up and go to parties all the time.  Someone has to direct those drones that follow you around but are mysteriously not there when you need an alibi.

Of course, if you need an alibi fabricated, you’re on your own.  It’s more entertaining to watch you twist in the wind than it is to stage anything that gets you out and back to ax-murdering.


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