There are a lot of books and websites out there giving you tips on how to be productive. Give those assholes two stiff middle fingers and only pay attention to my advice.
Your Facebook Statuses Make You A Shitty Hire
We get a lot of applications for employment here. It’s a very cushy job. You don’t even have to have a sense of morality. So, I feel the need to tell you that we pre-screen applications based on your Facebook behavior. We have a whole department dedicated to it. I told them to forward me…
Black Friday Illuminati Drinking Game
Black Friday might be a huge shopping day for you, or maybe you stay in. For us? We sit back and watch society devolve all on its own. It’s the only day where we shut down our main office and hold viewing parties for bad behavior that you can’t even blame on us. Okay, that’s…
I got a menial job, you guys!
And then I quit. There was about six years worth of stuff in-between. So anyway, I got me a domain name. That’s right, kids! No more free WordPress hosting for the Illuminati. We’ve gone professional and shit. Unfortunately, this makes me more visible to people like you…but that’s just a reality I’ll have to learn…
Holiday Home Security
The economy is shaping up quite nicely. Pretty much everyone in the middle-to-bottom range is still suffering and we’ve got economists telling you it’s getting better. It’s not, duh. We lie. A lot. It’s one of our things. Sure, not everyone believes us 100% of the time, but we convince enough people to make it…
The Art of Conspiracy
People try to blame my organization for things all the time. I get daily summaries of these on my desk every morning. I usually read these shortly after permanently disfiguring an intern with a flying cup of boiling hot coffee and fixing myself a cup of tea. Yes, I drink tea. The coffee is just…
White Asparagus Price to Rise
A report came across my desk this morning that concerned me. Mostly because of the spelling errors and lack of coherent thought, but also partly because it seems to be indicating that we will soon run out of white asparagus unless we drastically change our procurement techniques. Now, you must be wondering it’s possible that…
Killer Hamsters “Escape”
I’m sure you’ve been wondering where I’ve been. Maybe even waiting with bated breath hoping I would come back and enthrall and berate you some more. Well you sick bastards, here I am. Anyway, I’ve been busy touring our many research operations throughout the world. I’m happy to report that things are coming along nicely…
You Bore Me
Trampling all over your sense of reality, breaking into your homes and playing tic-tac-toe with your sanity, and just making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night is getting far too easy, and quite frankly, I’m so very bored. My psychiatrist was telling me that I might need to make the whole…
Illuminacare: The Illuminati Health Care Option
I have to admit that it’s been very entertaining watching everyone scream at each other over this whole healthcare debacle. No, really. I didn’t know you had it in you to get so worked up over nothing. Don’t you realize that no matter what you want or what you think is going to happen, you’re…