ShamWow – Shammy Suckage

The Illuminati have completed an investigation into ShamWow and Vince Offer.  “Investigation” might be a stretching it a little bit.  “Little bit” as in “beyond the limits of reality.”  We pronounced them guilty before Vince was a tickle in his daddy’s pants.  For those who are still sober enough to read, ShamWow and Vince Offer are guilty of the following crimes, bad behavior, and general stupidity:

Unauthorized Use of Rubbing Alcohol

While demonstrating the amazing “absorption” of Vince’s Binkie, Vince dumps the contents of a shammy onto the surface in front of him.  Now, after I locked twenty-three interns in a 8×8 room with nothing but a box of Wheat Thins and this segment of the commercial for a month and a half, sixteen interns decided that Sharon’s ass looks big in those jeans.  The other seven were unavailable for comment, so I logged their answer as a soft agreement.  Witness the following screen captures.  Notice the rate of dissipation at the top of the puddle (not to mention the rest of it) before the shammy even touches it (click to enlarge):

alcohol-01 alcohol-02

And before you can notice that the liquid is disappearing on its own, he mops it up with his magical shammies:

alcohol-03 alcohol-04

Now, using this video evidence, the Illuminati finds ShamWow and Vince Offer guilty of violating section 45626.666.7383 (Unauthorized use of Rubbing Alcohol for Boring Purposes) as well as the greater offense of unsuccessfully lying to the public.  We don’t have a code section for that.  It’s engraved on your soul with a Sharpie.

Exposing Illuminati Favors


Several years ago, Vince approached my organization with a simple request.  He wanted us to increase his odds with the ladies.  So, my people gave him hideously large hands.  What did you expect?  The Wolverpus already drank all the mojo prototypes. Now, the ShamWow people at least attempted to cover up the problem but clearly missed this one obvious scene.  Vince knows better than to let the camera that close to his dirty little secret and therefore we find him guilty of embarrassing my organization.  If he really wanted to expose himself, he should have gotten drunk and flashed some school girls from a public fountain like a normal person. Noooo…he’s gone and done it by hocking product nearly every commercial break.  As a matter of fact, Vince exposed himself to me at least four times while writing this post.  I feel so dirty.

Carpet Saturation Rules Violations

If you’re going to saturate a carpet with liquid you must always remember the four sacred rules: 1) make it donkey urine 2) make sure it stays that way 3) don’t clean up any of it 4) don’t let anyone know you did it.  I know that Vince took the class, but after reviewing the security footage, it looks like he put his head in his giant freaking hands and slept through the whole thing.  We’re revoking his certification.  And we’re going to do it by having Billy Mays come to his house and show him how it’s done. And then he’s going to pretend to clean it up with OxyClean, sell Vince health insurance, and move in like a cockroach in slumlord central.  To anyone who comes into contact with Billy: never, ever, leave him alone with your vacuum cleaner.  He picked up some tips from Dyson that are illegal in most countries.  Your vacuum will never be the same again.  It may even require counseling.

Poor Editing

On top of the carpet saturation mess, those ShamWow people couldn’t even properly edit the carpet cleanup scam.  Check out the following images:

Before Picture Lifting Carpet
Before Lifting Carpet
After Putting the Carpet Back Down
After Putting the Carpet Back Down

One would think that with Vince’s mad three card Monty skills that he would have slammed that shammy down so fast over the edge of the carpet that you would never have noticed.  But, no, he hovers the shammy over the spill almost as if he’s taunting you.  Random idiots are seeing this inconsistency.  This is an embarrassment to quality Illuminati infomercials worldwide.  How do you expect us to con stupid people into buying completely useless shit if you sloppily expose our secrets?  Now everyone’s going to be suspect that the energy drinks, “Head-On”, and other atrocities take advantage of clever editing.  I cannot possible express the extent to which I am disappointed in the editor monkeys.  I mean, if you lock enough of them in a room, they’ll hammer out the script to a reality tv show but they can’t possibly manage to hide one little blood…I mean soda spill.

Clone Carelessness

When Vince entered the commercial racket, we gave him several clones by which to make it easeir for him to star in more commercials and appear personally – at the same time.  It’s Illuminati policy to facilitate the saturate the market with products by providing courtesy clones.  You should know that by now after that fiasco with the “Help, I’ve fallen but I can’t get up” lady.  There were like thirty-two of them and they all applied for Medicaid at the same time.  Gave their case worker a heart attack.

Evil Vince Clone in Action
Evil Vince Clone in Action

With our help, it is possible for Vince to actually be in two or more places at the same time.  Too bad he’s not being more careful.  You can actually make out one of his clones quite clearly in the background of a customer testimonial.  Notice how the clone is wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses.  Then suddenly, Vince is back in the studio in a blue t-shirt and NO SUNGLASSES.  There is absolutely no possible way that he could been pulling his shtick in the studio wearing one outfit, changed into “Evil Vince” and zoomed outside and gotten halfway through his speech for the customer testimonial, changed his clothes back to “Studio Vince”, and back in the studio without even being out of breath….twenty-five times an hour!  The only way to explain this is Illuminati Trickery in the shape of Vince clones.  Now, due to the fact that Billy Mays hasn’t off’d nearly enough clones in a jealous rage (usually involves Oxytov cocktails) and that Vince himself is making it obvious that he’s using the clones, we’ve decided to sell off the remaining six hundred Vince Offer clones at an extremely discounted price.  He’s great around the home, garage, car, even on the boat.  He mops up spills in no time flat.  You can even cut him in half and put him in the washer.  Use him on the dog!  I mean, you’re going to spend at least $50 a month on hookers and maids anyway, so use Vince Clone v2.1 instead.  We’ll even throw in four mini-Vinces for free if you order right now…after all, we can’t do this all day.  You followin’ me camera-guy?

A Word of Warning

I could go on and on about the additional offenses witnessed, but I will throw my ambitions in the dumpster and let someone else deal with it so I can issue the following advice.

Vince, the Leprechaun High Council is extremely upset that you stole your brother’s pot of gold and wished to be a mortal man.  They are even more upset that you chose to put your faith behind a product made in Germany (notorious leprechaun oppressors) instead of your native product, Lucky Charms.  They no longer find you “Magically Delicious.”  Or, actually, they may once they catch you and apply the right seasoning.

ShamWow, I suggest you protect Vince as best you can.  Leprechauns are pretty jovial beings until you piss them off bad.  And Vince has done just that.  I assume that he hasn’t enlightened you to this fact for the same reason that he did not inform you of his past.  Leprechauns are also quite tricky and can fit into tight places, so you might just want to seal Vince in a 10×10 clock of cement and pray for the best.

Good luck.

Ashley Todd Failed Fame-Whoring 101

I would very much like to thank one of our Co-Conspirators, Adventures in Frickintardistan, for informing us about Ashley Todd’s inability to frame an Obama supporter by faking an assault.  She is a disgrace to the Fame-Whores of the world.  So, while I can’t release the course materials for “Grab Your 15 Minutes By the Balls” aka Fame-Whoring 101, I can definitely say that she slept through the whole damned class.

So, a quick analysis so the graduating class of FW101 does not make the same stupid mistakes:

First of all, the idea of an ATM-robbery turned political assault is so asinine that it should be a Lifetime Movie.  There was a lengthy discussion on this and it was determined that the movie should be named  “When Crazy White Girls Go Political: The Ashley Todd Story” and that it should be set against the backdrop of a failing marriage to McCain and an unbreakable bond with Palin, which was formed while she and Palin searched for Palin’s kidnapped child. Lifetime would make it.  And you would watch it.  And then you would turn to your children and say, “There’s a lesson here to be learned.” And your children would look at you like you grew a third head.

Ahem.  Ashley’s location was also extremely faulty.  First of all, you never fake an assault near security cameras.  They’re the only witnesses you can’t bribe! Secondly, an ATM?  Honey, what kind of crack are you smoking to think that an ATM robber is dumb enough to strongly express his political views during a robbery?  When was the last time anyone got robbed and the last words were “Vote No on Proposition 11!”  Did you honestly think that the headline is going to read “Petty Thief Union Backs Obama, McCain Soars in Polls.”  This chick has managed to tie absurdity with Mother Teresa trying to give a lap dance to George Burns.

The “Big Scary Black Man”…  pffft.  The Illuminati has not condoned using racial stereotypes for fall guys since the second plague.  It’s just not funny and exposes the accuser of being a racial twit.  She might as well have added that she was rescued by some gentleman in a white hood so it would have been even more glaringly obvious that she was lying.  Now, if she said that her attacker was some skinny little white guy wearing a wife-beater and sporting a mullet…THAT would have at least been funny.  Maybe even believable.  And you know, if she had called my office, I could have arranged for the Wolverpus to make a special appearance.  He could have robbed her at the ATM, tore her arm clean off, and then ate the ATM machine.  And he absolutely adores cameras, so you know he would have dragged her to a well-lit parking lot and made shadow puppets with her dismembered limb so he’d be featured on YouTube.  I sometimes wonder if he’d made a good guest speaker for our Fame-Whoring class.

Lastly, her artistry leaves something to be desired.  I haven’t seen penmanship that bad since we employed dyslexic gerbils to hand-paint flashcards. “B”s have curves, honey, so borrow a few from your face and make it work!  And her bruises are far too orderly.  If someone’s out to mess you up, they’re going to mess you up – not leave one or two little anemic bruises on your pasty white skin.  I wanted to see the whole spectrum of blacks and blues (and maybe some green and yellow) straight out of the Crayola box.  A rainbow of pain, so to speak.  Instead, what she gives us is some crap dollar store package of crayons with only one color in it.  Absolutely shameful.

Now, remember folks, if you’re going to whore yourself out for stardom, the least you can do is make it look credible.

Wait…you didn’t think McCain was safe, did you?

For those of you who thought that McCain would be safe once we admitted to having Obama in our clutches, you were wrong.  As usual.  We left plenty of signs such as voting with Bush (who we already “control”) over 90% of the time, and that whole “Old McCain”, “New McCain” business.  When will you learn?

McCain is Technologically Deficient

Being a member of my organization requires an expansive working knowledge of technology.  Now, if you think that McCain cannot possibly be an Illuminati if he can’t use a computer, you are absolutely right.  For once. McCain is not a member.  He belongs to a militant division of the Care Bear rebel faction, and as you may already know, Care Bears emit EMF radiation which renders surrounding equipment inoperable.  Thankfully, we were able to graft shielding technology into his holographic human suit so that he doesn’t knock out microphones, cameras, cell phones, etc.  This still means that he can’t use a computer, even in his human suit, because his “fingers” are still paws and as such, cannot type.  As to the rumors about being unable to drive a car…well, Care Bears love to drive cars.  Fast.  So fast in fact, that there is a sonic boom.  This would prove to be suspicious, so his contract with us dictates that he is not allowed to drive for as long as he is in the public spotlight.  Maybe we’ll let him run over some American Idol contestants after all is said and done.

Kick Butt, Monkey Nut

Anyone familiar with Care Bears knows that they are all castrated at birth and the subsequent scarring is covered up by the decorative pictures on their tummies.  There is much resentment over these belly badges and the humiliation they represent.  The rebels have since figured out a way to reconstruct their fun bits using spare primate parts.  McCain was one of the first to receive the surgery then proceeded to spend years making rude gestures to and otherwise harassing Strawberry Shortcake.  She obtained a restraining order in 1990 and is currently shacked up with an unnamed Popple somewhere in New Jersey.  McCain took a lesson from that debacle by bottling up his urges.  But as he’s now realizing, there are some unfortunate side-effects to his solution.  Namely, the “Monkey Nut Rage,” which has been covered by traditional news outlets as “anger issues”.

So Old, Dirt Calls Him Grandpa?

One could easily argue that John McCain is old.  Yeah, I think we all get that.  But there have been rumors that say that was born in the 19th or 20th century.  That is absolutely false.  No Care Bears were born in the 19th or 20th century.  In fact, no Care Bears have been born for at least six thousand years, due to the above-mentioned castrations and any new Care Bears you see have been the result of cloning.  Which also explains the Crayola colors.  So, McCain was not born on August 29, 1936, he was merely brought to consciousness on that date.  Which does at least make him old enough for some dirt to call him Grandpa.

Yeah, it’s true…Obama works for us.

With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama.  Now without further adieu…

Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii

After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can assure you that he was not born in Hawaii.  Yeah, I totally forged that certificate.  On my coffee break.  You people are so gullible.  Truth of the matter is that Obama was born on Amalthea, which is the third moon of Jupiter.  This is very important to those who actually give a damn because Amalthea is the traditional birthing ground of the royal family of shape shifting lizards.  Now, Obama is not a member of the royal family.  Well, not officially.  You know how well those royals keep their nondescript reproductive organs to themselves.  Yes!  That’s right!  Obama is the bastard love-child of George Bush and the Queen of England!  Don’t deny it.  You know in your heart that it’s the truth.

Obama’s Aversion to the Pledge of Allegiance

First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance is not really about patriotism at all.  It’s a promise to give your immortal soul to an inanimate object.  Agents of the Illuminati cannot pledge their immortal soul to inanimate objects, Pamela Anderson, or corn dogs.  If we attempt to do so, we’ll dissolve in to a puddle of goo resembling Marlon Brando.  Therefore, any images or movies you see of Obama reciting the Pledge with hand over heart is a total fabrication – and easily duplicated using mirrors, lasers, and a tuna fish sandwich – with extra mayonnaise.  The mayonnaise is important for pliability.

Obama’s Infamous Limo Ride

Did Obama really coke up and engage in sexual relations with that limo driver on YouTube?  First of all…c’mon, a limo driver?  Coke?  This is a prized Illuminati agent and he has access to way better drugs and far better looking sexual partners.  Unlimited access.  Heck, he can still pick a coked up toothless limo driver if that’s where he wants to put his jollies.  But I can assure you that if he did pick such a partner, there is no way we’d let the guy live long enough to post his lame-ass story on YouTube, much less file a lawsuit.

Obama’s Going to Tax Water

This is just ridiculous.  Shape-shifting lizards wouldn’t tax water.  The shape-shifting process is extremely drying and Lubriderm simply does not work as advertised.  So, taxing water would not be a good idea for the shape-shifting lizard population of the world.  But, taxing air, bodily secretions, hookers, and M&Ms…all fair game.  And don’t think he won’t tax M&Ms either.  He hates them, what with their prancing around in their animated arms and legs, corruping todays youth with seductive lines like “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”  He simply must tax them before they figure out how to make porn and the echos of hard-coated candy shells clacking together are heard throughout the country.

There are of course many more rumors, none of which I will bother to address.  Mostly because I just don’t care enough…ah, there I go again – lying.  I’ve got to go swear in some interns.  With bottle rockets filled with acid.  This is going to be fun.

Realtor-Bots: The Cluster Bunny Continues…

In the beginning, there was land.  And on that land there stood shelter.  And lo the occupant of that shelter shouted to the heavens, “I covet a bigger shelter.”  And the heavens responded by sending unto the people a special kind of unholy being.  A Realtor.

Okay, so that’s not quite how it happened.  But one could assume it did, what with all the fantastic strides R&D have made in manufacturing Realtor-bots.  I mean, it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between most Realtors and a Realtor-bot.  But, since our bots have certainly done their part to cause the housing market bubble to burst which has set off a chain reaction of part economic meltdown and part government bailouts, it’s time to release some important information.  And since we’re still drunk from all the celebrations, we’re going to do it Jeff Foxworthy style.

You might be a Realtor-bot if you are a Realtor AND …

  • you constantly complain about either not making any money or never having any money…right before you buy the bar a round.
  • you have more than two gym memberships, but can’t even remember where the gym is located.  And you won’t cancel the memberships because you might use them “one day.”
  • you tell someone one thing, but write down something entirely different and can’t see the inconsistency.
  • your employment history consists of low-paying jobs that didn’t last for more than six months.  But that doesn’t demonstrate an inability to keep a job…just that all those employers were too demanding and irrational.
  • you cop an attitude when someone says to you “I need…”
  • you are incapable of following rules or written directions.
  • you must be continually reminded of things people told you.
  • you get extra snarky when someone points out any flaws in your logic.
  • you whine about being too busy to do mundane tasks that everyone else manages to do, but insist on performing archaic and time-consuming rituals for no apparent reason.
  • you argue that condoms are a business expense.
  • you can come up with any excuse imaginable to get away with not paying bills for as long as possible.
  • when someone asks you for something, you send them everything but what they requested and insist that you got them what they asked for.
  • you have to be the center of attention, barring the existence of other bots (competition) in the same room.
  • you enjoy carrying on cell phone conversations – loudly – so everyone knows what a big shot you are.
  • you expect immediate results and are appalled that everyone cannot live up to those expectations.
  • you often go to Borders to just buy coffee.
  • on the rare occasion that you actually purchase a book, the topic is about how to get rich.
  • you purchase apartment buildings with the hope to have residual income, but because being a landlord is not as easy as it looks on TV, you don’t even collect enough in rent each month to pay the mortgage.
  • your girlfriend (or boyfriend) enjoys telling everyone how smart you are.
  • you agree with your girlfriend (or boyfriend) and understand that your brilliance qualifies you to give legal, accounting, and nutritional advice far better than the experts in those fields who went to school for it.

Thankfully, the Realtor-bots have been a bit difficult to identify thanks to the abundance of incompetent, spoiled, money-hungry people thinking that becoming a real estate agent is their saving grace.  And of course, we give props to those who were truly born to be a real estate agent and do exceptionally well at their chosen profession.  But as those are few and far between, we delight in what a cluster bunny the entire industry is.

So, while I polish off another keg, I leave you with this one thought: The problem with creating a bot that cannot follow directions is that they will frequently fall out of protocol, and as a result they go completely rogue and do not become Realtors.  So take a good long look at your bookkeeper, office support person, waitress, or medical transcriptionist and ask him or her whether they’ve ever considered a career in real estate.

Lizard Impossible

This year marks the tenth anniversary of the Illuminati’s plan to destroy the Food Network. Now you may be wondering why we would choose to do such a thing and you should already know the answer to this: Because we can. Yeah, it’s good to be me.

So anyway, you must want to know what we’re planning for an anniversary party. Well our dear friends, the shape-shifting lizards, set up a lovely little surprise.

Last year, one of my contacts within the network called me, barely able to contain her laughter. It turned out that Jag (from The Next Food Network Star) was lying about being in Iraq and the entire office was in an absolute tizzy trying to figure out how to wiggle out from under the giant pile of shit he just unloaded on them. As she was giving me a play-by-play of the reactions and stupid “make him pretend to be remorseful” suggestions, she almost lost control of her facade and was very nearly discovered for what she is. I was also amused – to the point where I let a few interns obtain a full recovery before permanently retiring them to the SPAM factory.

It turns out that Jag was working for the lizards. His mission was to expose the network’s lack of fact-checking and make them look like total idiots. And he pursued his task diligently, fueled by the fury of revenge for his dear cousin, who was eaten by a chef in a third-world country. Jag is coming for you next, Bourdain, mark my words. He could have done a lot more damage while he was there, and he demonstrated considerable restraint in not doing so.

Because that was just a setup for the big surprise.

You see, this all started years ago when the lizards planted a very special operative from their UK division. Can you guess which one of the network stars really works for our cold-blooded allies? I’ll give you a hint: he looks like a larger version of Christopher Eccleston (circa Doctor Who).

Yes! Robert Irvine! For those of you living under a rabid Norwegian balloon monster and have been unable to escape the methane emissions long enough to keep up with the entertainment news, one of our allies tipped off a reporter in St. Petersburg to the various deceits surrounding Irvine in February. And this time, my contact was laughing so hard she peed her pants right before losing consciousness from oxygen deprivation. Needless to say, the network did not appreciate her reaction and she no longer works there.

While our cold-blooded co-conspirators have done considerable damage to FN’s reputation, which I’m sure everyone agrees was fabulous, I want to assure you that the Illuminati will continue to engage in a slow, steady demolition of the network.

So have no fear, Rachel Ray will keep shouting at you, Sandra Dee will still be unable to actually cook, Paula Deen will still be a bitch, Guy Fieri will still be obnoxious, and with your votes, the Romulan will win The Next Food Network Star.

Got Your Bush!

Today, one of my co-conspirators alerted me to an email sent by a member of NESARA. Dove of Oneness planted some inaccurate information regarding the passing of Tim Russert, of “Meet the Press”. First of all, we at the Illuminati would like everyone to know that although Mr. Russert frequently worked against us, we always admired and respected his work. He will be greatly missed by many in our organization and we fear that we will never find someone who can keep us on our toes quite the way he did.

All that being said, we know for a fact that the CIA no longer has a working device that can stimulate a heart attack. The CIA borrowed the device in question for only one week and I swear she looked perfectly normal when they returned her. But we put her on the Spitzer case and not only has Spitzer not keeled over in a compromising situation, but the Illuminati received a small infusion of cash. R&D has been working on finding the problem for over a month and have been unable to turn up anything. We’re a bit afraid that she’s begun to think for herself, and I swear the if the CIA is removing the Independent Thought Inhibitor, their cute little acronym will suddenly stand for “Chronically Infected Anus”. Don’t think I won’t. Anyway, if someone from the CIA would like to fess up anonymously so we can get the problem fixed, that would be great. I promise I’ll be nice and transfer you to somewhere tropical. Like an active volcano.

And as for that malarkey regarding the Illuminati working with Bush, well that’s just preposterous. Everyone knows that the Illuminati doesn’t work with presidents, we control them. Well, sort of. See, the thing is that you really can’t usefully control someone who is already being controlled. I mean, sure, you can get them to do the Chicken Dance in the middle of rush hour traffic, but getting them to push the big red button is simply impossible. In cases like this, you must do a little research to figure out who is really controlling them. In a man’s case, it’s usually the wife or mother. Lucky for us, she’s really good at taking bribes.

Lastly, for those of you who are not aware of the Illuminati’s involvement in the NESARA program, the following is an excerpt of an announcement from last year:

This NESARA thing is getting out of control. I wrote that crap on a bar napkin in 1932 while loaded on … well, I don’t remember. Next thing I know, my boss authorized the scam to be leaked to the general public and used as a source of new ideas. Now, over the past 75 years, it’s been expanded to a “project” involving hundreds which includes some of the more prolific scam leaders.

The moral of the story is simple, kids: Good, bad, absolutely indifferent…we’ve got our hands in EVERYTHING.

Puppies and Kitties and People I Pity

It’s that time of year again, the time of year when every fiber of my being fills with so much joy that I very nearly implode in a subatomic wave of Turkish toenails and pomegranates.

Yes, it’s time to torture the interns who are still in the building…I mean evaluate their performance and assist them in correcting any flaws.

Now, that’s not to say that we don’t torture our interns all year long, but evaluations are super special. “Why?” you ask? Because normally, I don’t get allocated any time to really think about what I’m going to put those freaks through so I end up just randomly shouting orders for punishments, but this is the one time of year that my superiors actually allocate a couple of weeks for me to sit down and really think things through.

So, for those of you who have requested to join my organization, I offer the following excerpts as a mild glimpse into what starting out in the Illuminati is like:

Tommy has been with the organization for three months and was involved in only one project. He demonstrated an extreme lack of enthusiasm when he was volunteered to test the Belly Button maker. As we heard him screaming to “make it stop” from three floors away, we realized that his level of commitment was disappointing at best. In order to assist Tommy in becoming an example of Illuminati Excellence, I recommend alternating pain therapy where we will force Tommy into choosing the worse of two electric shocks or be covered in silly putty and barbecue sauce and fed to Tyra Banks.

Cindy has requested that we let her out of her contract. In doing so, she has established that she is completely illiterate. It quite clearly says in her contract, in plain sight somewhere in the middle of page 1052 in the tiniest print I could find in the most unreadable font available that not even death will get you out of your contract. So, I’ve decided to let her think she’s out of her contract and make her my special little project. Why, she might just fall asleep in the bathtub only to awaken in her neighbor’s swimming pool stark naked during a family birthday party, or maybe she’ll check her mail and find her boyfriend crammed into the box, or perhaps I’ll just have the the Anti-Environmental Tree Kicking Chipmunks picket her front lawn until she cries for mercy. Honestly, I can’t decide on any one thing…so maybe I’ll just keep throwing stuff at her until she cracks.

Ben appears to have an exceptionally low IQ as he has been repeatedly unable to bring me a decent cup of coffee. Incidentally, he also cries like a little bitch when winged by a flying cup of scalding hot coffee. Since his learning abilities appear to be hampered by pain, we should just stop trying to teach him anything at all. We really don’t want to do away with him just yet, as I find certain un-scarred parts of him to be quite entertaining in a rather pedestrian way. So, I’ll be taking him home and while he’ll enjoy himself at first, rest assured that he will dread the day he saw hot bean water.

Karen has difficulty respecting authority. She does not respond when spoken to, is running an abnormally low body temperature, absolutely refuses to have a pulse, won’t entice The Wolverpus into play, and the smell is getting worse by the day. This kind of insubordination will not be tolerated on any level. Karen will be forced, at gunpoint, to clear out her desk and report directly to the Soul Retrieval and Gravy Pudding testing facility where she will be subjected to the “Special Sauce.” Look for her in a store near you.

So that, my obedient friends, is what our interns will be subjected to for failing to assist us in improving our methods to oppress your free will. Bastards.

But, considering an intern’s lifespan is quite short, we are always looking for more. So don’t let any of the above dissuade you from sending your resume to HQ. We will most definitely consider it.

Franchising Opportunities Available

Do you want to make money? Do you want to be popular? Do you want to go down in history?

Well, the Illuminati can help! Just send your left nut to the address shown on the back of your secret imploder ring, and you’ll receive a packet on accomplishing the above tasks by showing you how to do the following:

  • Come up with your own religion, complete with:
    • Spiteful God
    • Sacred Texts
    • Immutable rules not included in sacred texts, but supposedly told to you by spiteful god because you are the chosen one.
    • Paranoid convictions regarding age, sex, work ethic, eating habits, necessary bodily functions, and the ever-popular “thought process”
  • Recruit members with specific methods of converting the following susceptible personality types:
    • Lonely college students
    • Desperate unwed mothers
    • Loveless geeks
    • Evil grandmas
    • Addicts
    • Religious Zealots (they make great minions)
    • Nutbags (unpredictable, but generally loyal)
  • Plan and build your compound using the following techniques and materials:
    • Pre-conceived schematics for bunkers, greenhouses, guard towers, electrified fences, weapon storage units, and residential units.
    • Complete material lists as well as cooperative, Illuminati-approved vendors.
    • Methods to get your followers to comply with the strict building schedule, which naturally includes long days, dangerous work conditions, and frequent casualties.
    • How to purchase the land (on which to build your slice of heaven) through shadow corporations funded by the net worth of your new recruits.
    • Additional financing… wait, we’re not financing your lazy ass. That’s what your followers are for. By the love of the spiteful god, make your idiot followers grow or make something and sell it at ridiculously high prices to the general public. Hint: “organic” is the buzzword of the day.
  • Build charisma using the patented “ego stroke” method.
  • Keep your followers “in line”, which includes directions on effective random acts of torture.

And if you act today, we’ll throw in the best selling book “7 Habits of Highly Effective Cult Leaders,” and “Super Fun Paranoid Conspiracies.” Both of which will reinforce your god-like status to your minions and will cement your control over your followers.