Winning at Meetings

Chairs, whiteboard…your personal hell.

So you’re stuck dreading your impending entrance into a vortex of monotony.  Well, this is your opportunity to prove to everyone just how fabulous you are.  An empty room is truly a canvas for creativity, so arrive at all meetings early and draw crude cartoons over the board, walls, and floor.  Only the board can be quickly cleaned up when the meeting starts, so you’ve already left an impression on your fellow cellmates.  They may act like you’re an immature asshole, but they’re just pretending.  They secretly wish they were the ones who defaced the workspace.

Once the meeting starts, you need to derail it often and hard.  When the manager asks for examples of wonderful sales tactics that are in-line with company policy, you need to explain, in painstaking detail, that time you whacked a customer over the head with a toaster and stole their credit card which you then used to exceed your sales quota over the next three months.  If anyone tries to interject, talk over them while decreasing your rate of speech.  Eventually, they will learn that not only will you not stop, but you will draw this bitch out longer and longer with every attempt to thwart your plans.

The brainstorming portion of any meeting is another great way to stand out. The entire purpose of a brainstorming session is to hear a bunch of terrible ideas to solve a problem in the hopes of hitting one or two decent ones. That being said, there is a certain limit of stupidity that those around you will be willing to tolerate.  But who cares about their level of tolerance?  Throw shit out there and don’t expect any of it to stick!

And always, always, always have charts and numbers.  They don’t even need to make sense.  Ledgers and ledgers filled with pages and pages of random numbers and bold, beautiful charts filled with colors and no labels. You should also only write in sloppy cursive. Even the numbers.  Reference your pages often, shuffling through the books constantly to “verify facts” and “back up your assertions.”  It makes you look smarter than the others in the room and completely justifies the odd behavior you’ve been throwing out there all day.

You’re just a misunderstood genius, bitch!


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