I was honestly not going to write anything today. I’ve been busy spiking romaine lettuce with E.coli, announcing store closures and then there’s that whole blizzard thing on the east coast. Busy week. But then while I pouring boiling hot maple syrup over an intern’s backside, it occurred to me that what we all really…
I Have My Own Scheduling Assistant
My schedule isn’t necessarily busy enough to warrant it, but it’s nice to not have to think about where to fit in the various necessities of life. I used to keep my own schedule but I would plan then re-plan my day so often that the eraser would eventually go right through the page. My…
Theme Change!
New year, new look? Unfortunately, yes. Two months ago, I went through the trauma of losing the Contempt WordPress theme. I eventually found a new theme that was very much in my wheelhouse: Big Brother. But, I hadn’t received an update in two months, and a niggling little part of me wanted to know why. …
You Didn’t Join the Illuminati
I happened across a blog post in the WordPress Reader titled I Joined The Illuminati?! and I feel the need to clarify for this poor person (and everyone else) what their status with the Illuminati really is. I guess I could have done this in a reply or something but I need to write something…
Top 4 Illuminati Hangover Cures
As I look around the office, all I see are people with their heads down on their desks, groaning at the slightest noise. But today, on the mother of all hangover days, they’re also losing their breakfast every fifteen minutes. It’s a chorus of yak. You’d think that being all-knowing and all-powerful would mean that…
Illuminati 2017 Year in Review
Everyone’s supposed to do this right? ::shrug:: Okay, so I guess I need to bring up some of our more spectacular successes and failures in 2017. We Found the Evil Government Weather Machine As some of you are already aware, it went missing somewhere in Canada in 2014. We honestly thought that transporting it in…
Resolutions for Failure
It’s that time of year again, where every schmuck from your dry cleaner to the person who licks your toilet asks you what your resolutions are for next year. You know that you’ll never keep these resolutions, if only because they’re impossible to keep. And besides, they’re totally lame. So, since my mommy taught me…
Soupy Lies
Condensed canned soup is a gloopy, disgusting glob of ick. Apply some heat and it becomes edible, but only barely. I mean, have you seen the little bits of “chicken” we put in the “chicken” noodle? It’s pigeon gristle. You eat flying rats when you get sick, you pig. Nothing is more of scam in…
Charity
Ah, December 26th has arrived. This is when we stop being so much in the spirit of giving and start thinking about giving for the tax write-off. I say “we” but I really mean “you.” I’m giving all year long, this is stuff I don’t worry about anymore. You people on the other hand only…
DEAR SANTA
YOU BLOKKED ME ON FACEBOOK THAT WASNT NICE I JUST WANNA TELL YOU WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS YOU LET THE OTHER KIDS DO IT. I WANT SMALLER PAWS OR BIGGER KEYBOARD. THESE TAP THINGS DONT WORK RIGHT. I WANT A PONIE. FOR FRIENDS NOT FOR FOOD SO MAKE SHUR ITS NOT BITCHY LIKE LAST…